My birthday

It's my birthday today and what a shit lonely day it is going to be been another weekend where i've hardly seen anyone i know like normal,  Ill of last seen a person to talk to 8pm friday evening and apart from having a cuppa with a friend yesterday for an hour not going to speak to anyone else untill Monday until i get to work in the afternoon.

Quite crap really only had one person other than my ex txt me then I had to txt her cos lately she hasn't bothered txting me, I know we are not together no more but we do txt each other a few times a day and the last week  I know something has been up as she hasn't been in touch unless ive txt her 1st. I know her boy has been quite ill and she been tired but a hello would of been nice.

 I feel so worthless at the moment how sad am I spending my birthday at work then going to be on my own the rest of the day. It would be nice for just one of my mates for once to ring me and say do you want to do something for your birthday I don't even ring round now as I know people are busy and ive tried to organized things in the past but no one ever gets back or says they to busy I even tried to plan quite in advance before now but still no joy.

Think the only good birthday Ive had was last year when I was with  my now ex and her kids we opened my presents together with her kids and we were going to go out but I said I'd be happy to spend it with her and the kids and then go out later in the eveing, It was such a good day nothing I had before and guess never will again. This year and more than likely every year be just me my ex said she would of spent this eveing with me which would of been nice a pizza and a film but she had to cancel this morning cos said she had work. But I know she just dont want to spend it with me who would.

Think like my sister says I am a loser and always will be I guess with no friends and the few I do have are busy with their own lifes so why should I pester them, for this evening think Ill be spent on the sofa on my own with 3 bottles of wine and pizza feeling very depressed,

 I hope when I go to the docs next week he can gove me something to help with this depression as I really can't cope at the moment I can not sleep and when I do I wake up and daft as it seems I long for company but when I do I can't be arsed just want to slob at home. Work is hard and most the time I just want to jump of a very high bridge and end it all but one thing keeping me going is knowing Ill have a child to care for in a few months time, I am putting such a front on people say I am doing so well and they wouldn't be doing so well but underneath I am crushed broken hearted and empty.

Am I the saddest bloke in the world who hasn't no one to spend his birthday with apart from my dad who I really don't want to go out with as he'll just moan and put everyone and thing down which I don't really want right now. One good thing is I have 5 very good friends who have been there for me and thanks for them Ive had the energy to keep going I  know Its going to get better as I know I can't keep feeling like this.