making changes in my life

Since my last post i've really not had chance to post but had a lot to say in one of my last posts I wrote about taking steps to change my life and move on. Well Ive kinda done 2 out the 3 or 4 steps, 1 was to get a new job which I have done got a job as a hosppital cleaner which I really used to enjoy plus it is morning shift 6am to 2pm which means I can have a life no more working until 10pm and I can go out with friends on a Friday night without having to take a days holiday.

Step 2 I decied to take the plunge and say to my ex I want no contact with you for a while so I can sort my head out with my feelings I have for you, she went really mad at me saying on the lines of she needs me more now than ever and I am desertign her. Sorry but you were the one who ended this relationship and the only support I can give you is financal and me to be here for the baby anything else you got to deal with, women being women she went on a bit and in the end we decied to meet this Friday morning to talk I am going with the thought of I walk away with no  more contact as that is what I want and deep down she knows she can not give me what I want to be honest she don't know what she wants so how can I help her when she can't decied what she wants sometimes I wish I was like a normal bloke and say sod you and not care, but I am not like a normal bloke I have feelings and I am very emotional I am going to make her cry on Friday and really shout at her and make her see what she has done to me. You might think I am being horrid here making a pregnent woman cry but she has fucked my head up so much these last few months I am ready to pop.

Step 3 I am ready to move on if my ex isnt and come Friday if we can't work this out I am going to be tough and say well you know what I want if you can't give me what I want ill be ready to cut you off untill just before the baby is born, as I am ready to move on and get on with my life I don't want to meet anyone just yet but I will soon and I need my ex out my system before I can even think of seeing anyone else.

And step 4 getting my own place today my manager has said he has had my new job ask for references for me so things are looking like they are moving which means I can decied where I want to move, At the moment I am living at my mates place its okay but not perfect I think once I get my own place ill finly feel like I have a home to call home as since I've been back living in nottingham which is 7 years i've not really felt settled at all and once I do I think this will make a huge difference.

I wonder what things will be like in a years time I wonder

Moving on

Ment to of done this Saturday but I ran out of time before I had to go out but here goes , last night I suddenly realized  things were over between me and my ex, she said she was going out with a male friend for a chat and a drink, she said it wasn't a date but it didn't stop me feeling rubbish I got so upset and was ready to pack a bag and fuck off but I didn't and went round to a friend and had a good chat and I realized I needed to do a few things which are 1 going to hurt like mad but  will let us move on and become friends,

I always knew deep down we would never get back together and guess I am waiting and hoping we will, my ex says she still loves me but how can she if she can not give me the one thing I want and will have to have with our child a home and family, she says she can not move her two kids away from the home they have known all their lives which I understand to a certain degree. But why on earth did she have a child with me knowing she could never set up home with me, deep down I don't think she can ever accept me for who I am who would so I think what I am going to say on Tuesday is going to be for the best so we can both move on as at the moment we can't and we will only make each other angry.

I don't know if I am doing the right thing but it is the best thing I can come up with knowing we will never get back together, I am going to say we both need time apart as if we don't now we never will be able to get on and always get upset with each other if we mention of seeing someone else even if it is only friendly basis, I know myself last night I was distraught but I think if we have this time apart I could seperate the feelings of love I have for her to be just being friends and have a tiny part of me which will always love her and if we do find someone else it will not be to hard to deal with.

Lets see what happens

last few days

The last few days i've been feeling quite good about stuff looking forward to the future but this afternoon i;ve felt terrible all ive wanted to do is pack a bag and fuck off. But I know I can not as if I do ill lose everything I have worked for this last year.

But if someone did want to fuck off wonder how easy it would be or hard to do, from past experince I know its hard to do as had friends ringing round each other with the police and my parents trying to find me and I did get pulled over by the cops as soon as I got on the motorway, I had a few days where no one had contact with me but once the police had a word with me I got thinking and I did come back home.

I think the only way if you wanted to make a new start is if you didn't have a care in the world about anyone or anything I was nearly there but 2 things stopped me from totally dissapearing 1 the police pulling me over and having a chat, 2 I was on a peir with all my documents about me I was dangling them over the sea ready to drop them until this woman came and talked to me.

I guess if it wasn't for my unborn child I probly would of moved away but I just wouldn't dissapear I would say to people where I was going but then again would it solve any of my problems not really no! so i'll solider on and work through my problems and see what my life is like this time next year.

back in carlton

What a few busy days it has been again the move went okay handed my keys back to the lanlord the place was left clean and tidy so should get all my deposit back which will go towards my next place in a few months time. Its weired being back at my mates place but been good for the company his 2 dogs have been good fun to.

I can't believe how quick my week off went but feel sad that even tho my days were busy come evening I didnt have 1 friend I could call to go round for a cuppa quite sad really but I am getting used to the idea of doing stuff on my own and spending time on my own to, I went out Friday night by myself which I did enjoy and made one or two friends and looking forward to getting out and about a bit more now I know it is not so daunting being the only person on my own.

My emotions are still all over the place on a whole I am feeling possitive about stuff but I do have my moments and at the moment all I want to do is pack a bag and fuck off but if I do that ill lose every chance of being a dad to my child and also if I run away ill not be sorting out what is bothering me.

I am making changes in my life some of my friends know what they are and some don't and at the moment thats how its going to be but for the first time ever I am going to do what makes me happy and not worry about everyone else. I know I have said this before to certain friends but I have supressed my feelings to long now  but now I feel strong enough to make the changes to make my self happy and if certain people do not like it tough luck.

well enough of me for now best get on