Need to stop feeling sorry for myself

The time ive felt sorry for myself is unreal last few weeks ive felt so low felt like jumping off a bridge or packing a back and fucking off but its not going to solve anyting my problems are still going to be there, I wonder if back in april may last year when me and my ex broke up i wondered what would of happen if i'd never took her back. Would I be any happyer not realy I'd still be this unhappy fucked up person i am now, depressed to fuck why am i so depressed lots of reasons really.

Ive never been really honest to myself always bottle up my emotions I feel so lonely and alone its silly my birthday is coming up soon and the only person who is going to spend it with me is my ex as I know for sure non of my friends will be free to do anything like most birthdays never done anyting for them think the best one or the i remember most is my 30th and the one last year, the only one person i know would go out with me is my dad but i dont really want to go out with him as ill just get his negativeness and dont really want that.

I keep thinking of moving back down to Chelmsford but can I really do that with a child on the way? not really as I want to be a dad to my child even if  I am not with the mother of my child no more who I love to bits so much, I think that hurts the most as I love her so much I can't see myself being with no one else. Over the last year so much has happened Ive told her some big secrets about myself which I to be honest she can never really be happy with me she would never admit it to me but I know deep down she never can acept who I really am.

What woman would want me anyway I can't help being bisexual it's who I am at the end of the day but one thing if  I am with someone a woman I'd never cheat on them, one reason why i keep myself shut off as every normal woman who ive ever tried to get close to has always ran a mile or not wanted me cos of my speech then to know iam bisexual as well what a bluddy can of worms .

But one thing I am looking forward to is Monday morning I have got a councling appointment fuck knows where I am going to start so much to talk about I have some good friends I can talk to but I think someone who is not connected to me would be good as I am not ashamed of who i am now as I was before Its just I dont know Monday might be a good

Least one thing I am not taking my problems out on beer like I normaly do but seem to of picked up a bit of a comfort eating habbit. Not sure whats worse getting drunk or eating like I have been doing I am not eating loads just having a extra meal a day so in the eveing when i get home from work been having a snack. It beats waking up with a hangover or damaging your liver with the amount of drink I used to get through.

Least Ill have a bit of company today as been to see the ex to change her flat tryer and also off to see one of my mates later for a xbox session, rest of the weekend I dont know what am doing yet but I do want a dvd afternoon/evening think am ready for one of them after the last couple of mad weeks just to chill out and have a pig out