Not much writing

Well not much has happened on this blog lately I have had lots to write about but sometimes not had time or felt like writing, But I really need to make a effort as i really like to do much more. Since my last post in March a lot has changed I managed step 2 to make changes in my life, I did manage to have some time apart from my ex and after a few weeks apart we stated to talk and have become good friends.

One Massive change was my baby boy was born on 14th of july and his has made me and my ex even more closer ill write more on this in a seperate post but our baby boy is the best thing which has happened to me and he is perfect. Step 3 well finding someone else hasn't happened like I thought but I am happy to be on my own for a bit and see what happnes. Step 4 getting my own place again I have decied to stay at my mates place for a bit to get myself sorted a bit more money wise and step 1 the job.

Well after what I thought was a job I wanted it turned out to be part time which was a shame but on another note it made me think more about my job and what I want to do, I managed to stay on at college and complete my GCSE'S which i got a level 1 in now I am working towards level 2 for an A level. After this I would like to gain 2 more GCSE'S and 1 more A level so I can do an open uni course maybe, for my job role I thought I wanted to become a teaching assitant I still do, but after a bit of thought and the reason why will become  clearer in another post is a care assitant in neonatal unit in a hospital.

Least I am a lot happyer than I was back in March I feel more settled and grounded and got plans in place for my future, now I need to do loads of college work ready myself for Septembers college

making changes in my life

Since my last post i've really not had chance to post but had a lot to say in one of my last posts I wrote about taking steps to change my life and move on. Well Ive kinda done 2 out the 3 or 4 steps, 1 was to get a new job which I have done got a job as a hosppital cleaner which I really used to enjoy plus it is morning shift 6am to 2pm which means I can have a life no more working until 10pm and I can go out with friends on a Friday night without having to take a days holiday.

Step 2 I decied to take the plunge and say to my ex I want no contact with you for a while so I can sort my head out with my feelings I have for you, she went really mad at me saying on the lines of she needs me more now than ever and I am desertign her. Sorry but you were the one who ended this relationship and the only support I can give you is financal and me to be here for the baby anything else you got to deal with, women being women she went on a bit and in the end we decied to meet this Friday morning to talk I am going with the thought of I walk away with no  more contact as that is what I want and deep down she knows she can not give me what I want to be honest she don't know what she wants so how can I help her when she can't decied what she wants sometimes I wish I was like a normal bloke and say sod you and not care, but I am not like a normal bloke I have feelings and I am very emotional I am going to make her cry on Friday and really shout at her and make her see what she has done to me. You might think I am being horrid here making a pregnent woman cry but she has fucked my head up so much these last few months I am ready to pop.

Step 3 I am ready to move on if my ex isnt and come Friday if we can't work this out I am going to be tough and say well you know what I want if you can't give me what I want ill be ready to cut you off untill just before the baby is born, as I am ready to move on and get on with my life I don't want to meet anyone just yet but I will soon and I need my ex out my system before I can even think of seeing anyone else.

And step 4 getting my own place today my manager has said he has had my new job ask for references for me so things are looking like they are moving which means I can decied where I want to move, At the moment I am living at my mates place its okay but not perfect I think once I get my own place ill finly feel like I have a home to call home as since I've been back living in nottingham which is 7 years i've not really felt settled at all and once I do I think this will make a huge difference.

I wonder what things will be like in a years time I wonder

Moving on

Ment to of done this Saturday but I ran out of time before I had to go out but here goes , last night I suddenly realized  things were over between me and my ex, she said she was going out with a male friend for a chat and a drink, she said it wasn't a date but it didn't stop me feeling rubbish I got so upset and was ready to pack a bag and fuck off but I didn't and went round to a friend and had a good chat and I realized I needed to do a few things which are 1 going to hurt like mad but  will let us move on and become friends,

I always knew deep down we would never get back together and guess I am waiting and hoping we will, my ex says she still loves me but how can she if she can not give me the one thing I want and will have to have with our child a home and family, she says she can not move her two kids away from the home they have known all their lives which I understand to a certain degree. But why on earth did she have a child with me knowing she could never set up home with me, deep down I don't think she can ever accept me for who I am who would so I think what I am going to say on Tuesday is going to be for the best so we can both move on as at the moment we can't and we will only make each other angry.

I don't know if I am doing the right thing but it is the best thing I can come up with knowing we will never get back together, I am going to say we both need time apart as if we don't now we never will be able to get on and always get upset with each other if we mention of seeing someone else even if it is only friendly basis, I know myself last night I was distraught but I think if we have this time apart I could seperate the feelings of love I have for her to be just being friends and have a tiny part of me which will always love her and if we do find someone else it will not be to hard to deal with.

Lets see what happens

last few days

The last few days i've been feeling quite good about stuff looking forward to the future but this afternoon i;ve felt terrible all ive wanted to do is pack a bag and fuck off. But I know I can not as if I do ill lose everything I have worked for this last year.

But if someone did want to fuck off wonder how easy it would be or hard to do, from past experince I know its hard to do as had friends ringing round each other with the police and my parents trying to find me and I did get pulled over by the cops as soon as I got on the motorway, I had a few days where no one had contact with me but once the police had a word with me I got thinking and I did come back home.

I think the only way if you wanted to make a new start is if you didn't have a care in the world about anyone or anything I was nearly there but 2 things stopped me from totally dissapearing 1 the police pulling me over and having a chat, 2 I was on a peir with all my documents about me I was dangling them over the sea ready to drop them until this woman came and talked to me.

I guess if it wasn't for my unborn child I probly would of moved away but I just wouldn't dissapear I would say to people where I was going but then again would it solve any of my problems not really no! so i'll solider on and work through my problems and see what my life is like this time next year.

back in carlton

What a few busy days it has been again the move went okay handed my keys back to the lanlord the place was left clean and tidy so should get all my deposit back which will go towards my next place in a few months time. Its weired being back at my mates place but been good for the company his 2 dogs have been good fun to.

I can't believe how quick my week off went but feel sad that even tho my days were busy come evening I didnt have 1 friend I could call to go round for a cuppa quite sad really but I am getting used to the idea of doing stuff on my own and spending time on my own to, I went out Friday night by myself which I did enjoy and made one or two friends and looking forward to getting out and about a bit more now I know it is not so daunting being the only person on my own.

My emotions are still all over the place on a whole I am feeling possitive about stuff but I do have my moments and at the moment all I want to do is pack a bag and fuck off but if I do that ill lose every chance of being a dad to my child and also if I run away ill not be sorting out what is bothering me.

I am making changes in my life some of my friends know what they are and some don't and at the moment thats how its going to be but for the first time ever I am going to do what makes me happy and not worry about everyone else. I know I have said this before to certain friends but I have supressed my feelings to long now  but now I feel strong enough to make the changes to make my self happy and if certain people do not like it tough luck.

well enough of me for now best get on

almost there busy week off

What a weired week this is lots of mixed emotions going on here but its for the best I think, moving wise I am almost ready all my addresses have been changed and lot of my stuff has been packed away into boxes. I'd thought I would never of moved back to my mates to Carlton but this is only a tempoary thing while I get a bit of money saved and in 18 weeks time I'll have my own place and for once call it home.

At the minuet I am feeling sad and happy quite weired feelings but least I am not getting drunk every night like I used to when I had problems to deal with also I have a week off think by the looks of it, It's going to fly by think Friday afternoon I am going to have a few pints and relax as tomorrow I have college in the morning then a jobs fair to goto as I am so determined to find a new job, then after the jobs fair am starting to move Thursday is much the same moving and college and hopefuly Friday morning I'll just need to hand my keys back and get my deposit.

I was hoping for a few days away somewhere but don't think I'll get chance to as how busy I'am but might get to see a friend who I've know online for ages but never met so might suprise her and turn up for a cuppa, so quite a lot happning this month with my job interview as well.

Had another idiot driver making my life a pain in the arse today why are they on the roads one guy who was 3 cars behind me over took him at a temporay traffic lights and they were on red so much dangerous driving going on these days you coppers should be dealing with that giving them fines and also giving the twatty driver who was driving so slow a good telling off. anyway no rest for the wicked  I best get on.

Moving yet again

Again I am moving house forget how mant times I have moved now been arond a bit I have but this is a tempoary move berofe I find somewhere I can at last call home. Most my life I have never really called a place home and thats probly one of my mian prblems and why I always feel so restless, maybe in 19ish weeks I can find my own pad and  make it my own and feel settled for once this morning I have been busy making a start on my address changing what a pain in the bum that is, bank driving licence and so on but hopefully in 19ish weeks time that will be it for a bit.

I am kinda looking forward to moving back to Carlton I'd thought I would never move back there thinking I was going to have a family to think about and live for a long time in Calverton but things happen and change so off I go again sunny old Carlton here I come this time next week be almost sorted. Looking forward to a week off to think I need a bit of me time get away for a couple of days as its been a few busy months and just need to chill out just hope the weather is good for me but wishfull thinking but you never know.

I am still over the moon with finding out yeterday I am having a healthy baby boy in 19 weeks time he will be here before I know it and then the routine of feeds smelly nappys but you might think I am mad but really looking forward to it. even tho I am taking a week off I dont think Ill be able to properly relax untill a couple of weeks before the baby is born and in my own place where I can call it my own but it sure is going to be a intresting few months.

more good stuff

Today I went with my ex to the hospital for our 20 week scan, yep we arn't together no more but we are friendly for the sake of the baby and also when my kid is 16 least I can say I''ve been there. We found out we are having a boy and he is healthy and no problems what the nurse could see so I am quite happy and have been for a few days now, there is so much I can look forward to now I know I am not with our childs mother no more but got lots of things to look forward to and daft as it sounds I am looking forward to the first feed, giving my boy a bath and yup even chaging the smelly nappy.

Even the simple things like sitting in a park with a ice cream and when he gets a bit older playing in the park and when a bit more older going camping for the weekend I have so much to look forward to and I think the pram will be a instant pulling machine but before I even think about romance again there is a lot to deal with as I still love my childs mother and that is going to get a lot of getting over but least I hope we can be good friends if nothing else and that will be good  for the child for a stable upbringing.

anyroad now I've had a cuppa and recharged my batteries best get back to the grind

Possitive

One thing i have noticed on this blog lately I seem to write on my negative thoghts I need to write on my possitive thoghts so I am going to, yes today has been a lonely bad day but I have done a lot of thinking and it is not all bad I have some very good friends you know who you are I am not naming no ones names as this blog is my thoghts and do not want to mention names but I do need to say a thank you as you have kept me on the stright and narrow these last few weeks.

This weekend I have been so depresed I could of jumped off a brigde quite easy but knowing I have friends out there has made a lot of difference also having a child coming into the world I want to be there for every step of the way, I do want to say more but I can't until Tuesday as I need to talk to my childs mother even tho we have broken up I do want to be friends with her as we have a child I have a very good friend who has been through a lot and he has kept friends with his ex wife and they seem to get on great now they have had their problems but through talking and being strong they have got 2 great kids who I have met their daughter who is a lovely person.

I am sure if me and my ex can have some time apart and hopefuly we can be like my friend and his ex wife and we can bring our child up like his two, this morning i felt so down but this afternoon I did some thinking and to say I was going to spend my birthday alone I have in the end enjoyed it. I had a bottle of red  and after  writing this I am going to put a pizza in the oven and watch some more NCIS which I enjoy watching.

Lilke my councler said I have a lot of good friends who do care about me and they wouldnt mean it if they said call me if I need to talk, I am going to and not feel a leach if I do as talking does work and friends do help each other in times of need I just hope they can talk to me when they need a shoulder to cry on.

Now time for pizza and stay safe out there along with the madduns

My birthday

It's my birthday today and what a shit lonely day it is going to be been another weekend where i've hardly seen anyone i know like normal,  Ill of last seen a person to talk to 8pm friday evening and apart from having a cuppa with a friend yesterday for an hour not going to speak to anyone else untill Monday until i get to work in the afternoon.

Quite crap really only had one person other than my ex txt me then I had to txt her cos lately she hasn't bothered txting me, I know we are not together no more but we do txt each other a few times a day and the last week  I know something has been up as she hasn't been in touch unless ive txt her 1st. I know her boy has been quite ill and she been tired but a hello would of been nice.

 I feel so worthless at the moment how sad am I spending my birthday at work then going to be on my own the rest of the day. It would be nice for just one of my mates for once to ring me and say do you want to do something for your birthday I don't even ring round now as I know people are busy and ive tried to organized things in the past but no one ever gets back or says they to busy I even tried to plan quite in advance before now but still no joy.

Think the only good birthday Ive had was last year when I was with  my now ex and her kids we opened my presents together with her kids and we were going to go out but I said I'd be happy to spend it with her and the kids and then go out later in the eveing, It was such a good day nothing I had before and guess never will again. This year and more than likely every year be just me my ex said she would of spent this eveing with me which would of been nice a pizza and a film but she had to cancel this morning cos said she had work. But I know she just dont want to spend it with me who would.

Think like my sister says I am a loser and always will be I guess with no friends and the few I do have are busy with their own lifes so why should I pester them, for this evening think Ill be spent on the sofa on my own with 3 bottles of wine and pizza feeling very depressed,

 I hope when I go to the docs next week he can gove me something to help with this depression as I really can't cope at the moment I can not sleep and when I do I wake up and daft as it seems I long for company but when I do I can't be arsed just want to slob at home. Work is hard and most the time I just want to jump of a very high bridge and end it all but one thing keeping me going is knowing Ill have a child to care for in a few months time, I am putting such a front on people say I am doing so well and they wouldn't be doing so well but underneath I am crushed broken hearted and empty.

Am I the saddest bloke in the world who hasn't no one to spend his birthday with apart from my dad who I really don't want to go out with as he'll just moan and put everyone and thing down which I don't really want right now. One good thing is I have 5 very good friends who have been there for me and thanks for them Ive had the energy to keep going I  know Its going to get better as I know I can't keep feeling like this.

Driving

Ment to of done this a few days ago but other sfuff kepted getting in the way.

Many of you know how I hate bad driving and before you say yes I do have some bad habbits myself but none which cause any accidents, most people shouldn't be given a driving licence these days half can't read the road and the amount who twat around doing well under the speed limit is silly.

Todays drive to work was just silly I had one driver infront of me doing 15 mile an hour in a 30 zone the road was empty and stright as a die, but he was quite happy just doing 15 miles an hour for 1 it makes the driver behind mad and fustrated 2 it can make the driver behind take a silly risk and could cause an accident or something else.

To make matters worse once the 15 mile an hour driver turned right I had less than 5 mins okay driving then a woman driver pulled out infront of me and twatted along doing 20 in a 40 limit zone all the way to Arnold, I couldnt over take her as the roads wasn't safe todo so the journy which in the evening can take just under 20 mins took me 40 mins to do so annoying i must say.

The coppers should be pulling these drivers over and fining them drivers who do not indicate or hog the outside lane doing 20 miles an hour when its a 40 or 50 zone so you have to flash your lights to make them move and if they don't move over you have to undertake them which is not aloud and if a copper catches you you can be fined for undertaking as it can be classed as dangerous driving.

If drivers started being fined more often for silly dangerous driving there might be better driving standards on  our roads,

Not great

I had friday off as had a gaming session with one of me mates did a fair amount of xbox golf and wasnt to bad if only I could play for real life I would be worth millions, then sat morn i faced the rest of the weekend by myself i got home for about 10am after a bit of shopping i know you all going to say I am being silly but never felt so alone.

I didnt speak to a single person from 11:30 pm friday night until half 9 this morning I am feeling so depressed right now, but least one thing I did this morning was talk to a councler something I should of done years ago as she saw right away I needed help. I feel at times I could jump off a very high bridge the next just curl up and hide away, all weekend I longed for company then when I finaly got to work I felt like I was going to go into panic attack but now I ve been at work a while I am not so bad.

But at the moment everything is just such a effort got so  much I need to do but just got no get up and go in me whats so ever, least one thing I am not getting pissed but not sure if comfort eating is doing me any good either not eaten so much  like i have recently. One thing the councler said was it'll be a good thing to try some antidepressants so goign to make a docs appointment and see what he says might be just the thing i need.

Least today ive also done some mock exams for english and maths which I am doing quite well at even suprising myself at times how well I am doing Ill be looking forward to my exams which are in a few weeks time who knows i could be the next brain box.

Need to stop feeling sorry for myself

The time ive felt sorry for myself is unreal last few weeks ive felt so low felt like jumping off a bridge or packing a back and fucking off but its not going to solve anyting my problems are still going to be there, I wonder if back in april may last year when me and my ex broke up i wondered what would of happen if i'd never took her back. Would I be any happyer not realy I'd still be this unhappy fucked up person i am now, depressed to fuck why am i so depressed lots of reasons really.

Ive never been really honest to myself always bottle up my emotions I feel so lonely and alone its silly my birthday is coming up soon and the only person who is going to spend it with me is my ex as I know for sure non of my friends will be free to do anything like most birthdays never done anyting for them think the best one or the i remember most is my 30th and the one last year, the only one person i know would go out with me is my dad but i dont really want to go out with him as ill just get his negativeness and dont really want that.

I keep thinking of moving back down to Chelmsford but can I really do that with a child on the way? not really as I want to be a dad to my child even if  I am not with the mother of my child no more who I love to bits so much, I think that hurts the most as I love her so much I can't see myself being with no one else. Over the last year so much has happened Ive told her some big secrets about myself which I to be honest she can never really be happy with me she would never admit it to me but I know deep down she never can acept who I really am.

What woman would want me anyway I can't help being bisexual it's who I am at the end of the day but one thing if  I am with someone a woman I'd never cheat on them, one reason why i keep myself shut off as every normal woman who ive ever tried to get close to has always ran a mile or not wanted me cos of my speech then to know iam bisexual as well what a bluddy can of worms .

But one thing I am looking forward to is Monday morning I have got a councling appointment fuck knows where I am going to start so much to talk about I have some good friends I can talk to but I think someone who is not connected to me would be good as I am not ashamed of who i am now as I was before Its just I dont know Monday might be a good

Least one thing I am not taking my problems out on beer like I normaly do but seem to of picked up a bit of a comfort eating habbit. Not sure whats worse getting drunk or eating like I have been doing I am not eating loads just having a extra meal a day so in the eveing when i get home from work been having a snack. It beats waking up with a hangover or damaging your liver with the amount of drink I used to get through.

Least Ill have a bit of company today as been to see the ex to change her flat tryer and also off to see one of my mates later for a xbox session, rest of the weekend I dont know what am doing yet but I do want a dvd afternoon/evening think am ready for one of them after the last couple of mad weeks just to chill out and have a pig out

wow how long has it been

cobwebs around here or what its been a year and a half since ive last put a post up on here bluddy hell but am back. Whats happened since ive last been here ? erm where do i start all i can say is iam going to be a dad in july, my life is quite fucked up at the min feel like i want to pack a bag and just fuck off as all i want to do is cule up in bed and stay there but am fighting on as its not about me now my child is soon to be in this big horrid world. I'd thought i had everthing a sexy woman her 2 kids who liked me and who I got on great with and a flick of a switch all took away from me, what a mess thought I had it all planned out talk of setting up a new home with her and her 2 kids plus ours on the way I dont know life hey i will post more on this in coming weeks but i still cant belive how long ive been away.

What else have i done since ive been away ive gone back to college to gain my gcse's which i should complete by time the baby is born early july, I still hate my job i work with a guy who is good at some of his job but makes a easy job very hard and a 10 min job takes 30 and so on drive me mad but i do look forward to the next week when they swap shifts and i have the other chap on who makes a easy job easy and no faffing around.

I still cant believe iam going to be a dad I never thoguht it happen but it is and I guess with the situation with the mother how it now is I just have to make a good job out of a bad situation, I have had some very good friends over the last few weeks who have been there for me and if they wasn't I'd think I'd of done something silly like when i tried a few years ago which again ill post later.

I will be poping by to some of my old haunts as i'd like to get back to blogging properly and get back in touch with some of my blogging friends has anyone heard from four dinners has he got a blog going and if so where is he writing and does he still do his radio show.

well cheerio for now and hope to hear form some of you lot soon